What’s your pit type?!?!
I was watching hockey the other day, minding my own business, when I was suddenly struck by a blast of such concentrated stupidity that I momentarily forgot how to breathe.
It was an ad for men’s Speed Stick deodorant. Rather, it was an ad for three different varieties of men’s Speed Stick deodorant, each with its own SPECIAL PURPOSE. It went something like this:
Narrator: What’s your pit type? Sweaty?
Sweaty guy: Did they really have to coat me in baby oil for this commercial?
Narrator: Hairy?
Hairy guy: Besides growing a beard on my face, I also grow one in my armpits.
Narrator: Sensitive?
Sensitive guy: I wear shirts with collars.
What kind of pit type am I? How about the type that doesn’t give a fuck about your cutesy marketing bullshit? I want the deodorant that makes my armpits smell the least like ass for the longest period of time.
Other than a complete dumbass, who the fuck could have come up with a concept as monumentally stupid as this? Oh, right. It took a full team of complete dumbasses with the combined brainpower of George W. Bush’s left testicle to cough up such a piss-poor excuse for a simple toiletry product.
Am I to assume that each one of these three products only has the ability to handle one facet of the whole underarm dilemma? What if I have sweaty, hairy and sensitive armpits? Do I have to buy all three? Does the hairy armpit deodorant actually deodorize hair? Could I use it on my head? How about my cat? Anyway, as far as I know, if my armpits weren’t sweaty, I wouldn’t need deodorant in the first place.
No wonder the world isn’t afraid of the United States anymore.
North Korea is testing nukes and we’re scratching our asses and trying to come up with the best compromise between deodorant that works on hair and deodorant that does what it’s supposed to.
And I thought deodorant names were bad enough. What the fuck does an “Aqua Reef” smell like? Salt water and excruciatingly painful death at the tentacles of an Australian blue-ringed octopus? And I can only assume the “After Hours” smell has something to do with dried semen and shame. Not something I want to be wiping on my body. If I ever get the chance to name a deodorant, I have a few ideas ready.
Suggested deodorant names:
- Arctic Snow Flush Aqua Spring Breeze Glacier
- Thunderous Aftermath
- Unbridled Rage
- Crushing Self-Doubt
- Picked Last in Gym
